he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
