I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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