nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
