foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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