So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
