This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
