Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
