apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
