We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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