Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
