If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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