I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
