I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
