We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
