Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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