Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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