You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
