Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
