maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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