Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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