I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
