My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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