need another drink. this is the easiest way
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
