from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
