There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
