I met the friendliest cop last night
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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