I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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