After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
