1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
