even my farts smell like vagina
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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