whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
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Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
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If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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