can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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