My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
