dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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