i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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