I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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