So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
