you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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