btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I wish I only lived at night.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
