I just threw up on my dentist
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
