she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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