im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
