remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
NoShamevember. You game?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
