my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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