As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
