I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
