I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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