My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
