the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
