Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
