Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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