Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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