You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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