How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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