Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
