I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
