Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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